In my last post, I wrote about my desire to start an anonymous blog. I did and then shared it with a bunch of people I know so it is actually a semi anonymous blog but easier there to process out some words for things that feel a little too “sticky and gross” here.
For example, I wrote about self hatred yesterday. I really don’t hate myself but there is a little nasty inner voice that says I do and I want to write it out. Doing so here usually involves a little censoring of myself because my mom might get worried. And she is sweet and I don’t want her to worry.
That being said, though retired life is good and things are working, there is some mental work needed to get some of that stupid stupid stupid shit out of my brain from bad bosses, weird feedback and messed up work dynamics.
I honestly think I kind of got messed with in the head a little bit over the course of my time working.
I recognize it in little blips that come up in my inner dialogue: how HARD I am on myself, my CONSTANT need to exceed expectations and raise the bar higher and higher and higher (and higher) and an EXTREME need to multi-task.
Do you know the other day I had to TRY to eat a sandwich without simultaneously cleaning it up? It was SO difficult that was for me! Especially when the WHOLE time I was eating, I was thinking about putting in my earpiece and making a dentist appointment for my kid.
I think there is something valuable for others here. I do not think working through this BS is just for me and my desire to get all of the saran wrap all the way off my brain.
I have daydreamed about writing a book on “The Director’s Role” or one on explaining how managing people is like building a house. I have taken calls from friends who are still in the grind and felt so compelled to record our conversation; where I am reminding them that the value they are putting on the perspective of their egotistical leadership is value they can reassess, not worry about and reinstate in their own strengths.
I get fired up and gung-ho about it then remember I don’t have to do anything. So I read a little, I make another cup of coffee and I go hug my husband while he is on a conference call or coding or sometimes I find him break dancing… so that’s special.
I have been resisting nose to the grindstone on everything and substituted having goals for practicing making biscuit dough without a recipe. Even that is a testament to how much I don’t want to do anything how somebody might suggest I do it. I am in my great unwinding. (AND MAN AM I GLAD I AM NOT DOING THIS AT SIXTY.) I honestly can’t imagine how much more engrained these work habits would be by then.
As for writing and yoga… My goal is to have my children’s rhymes and poetry out by Christmas. And God love it if Chicken Soup for the <something> soul doesn’t take one of my submissions. (I mean – COME ON. I don’t swear in them!)
Yoga has been kind of a weird place for me because of my tendency to rage against any kind of machine. I have a manager at the studio who gives me feedback on my ideas and I just think “oh not this again”. lol. So I am considering how to take some time off of yoga teaching to study my specific interests and reignite why I am doing it, what I want to offer and how I want to offer it so I can do it on my own.
I just really do not think I am supposed to have a boss.
With the warmer weather, I am meeting up for some walks with old coworkers and friends. It feels really good to have some time for people again and I am hopeful I can get back into a bit of a correspondence habit. Sending people letters in the mail feels really joyful.
I bought stamps and all, but I have never been lazy before so this is really fun. Did I ever tell you in college there were two years I had 5 W-2s? Yeah I got fired from jobs (time and attendance… never my specialty…) but I also just worked like crazy….
As for an update, that’s all I got. Text me call me email me to say what’s up. If you want the semi anonymous blog (it’s on medium.com) let me know. It’s a little raw and unfiltered in terms of what I am expressing and processing. Kind of experimental and I make no apologies. :)
Have a great weekend. erin
PS: I miss the smell of my suitcase.