It feels important to capture this moment in time.
It is amazing to me how hard it is to write what I am trying to write. I want to make some bold statement like “everybody is experiencing unhappiness and the elephant in the room is that it is my fault”. But in a way that clearly denotes it is actually my fault.
I think a lot about the story about how the owner of Starbucks’ father in law came to him when he was still in startup mode and told him he had to get a job. His wife was pregnant and he had not found investors yet. His wife told him “no way – keep at it” and, thanks to her, we have venti refreshers no berries.
I think about it a lot.
David and I blended families in 2020 and the past nearly 5 years have put some major wear and tear on the house…. There is dissatisfaction with the water heater, the need to fix nearly every bathroom, trim chewed up by puppies, a gap in the counter, a need for new paint and a new door and a new backyard and everything that was so beautiful and charming about my “art house” is now just kind of dingy, not that cute and in need of repair.
When you add to that the perspective that the grass is greener on the other side of all the streets and tracks, there is this thick sentiment that feels like sadness and I feel plain guilty straight up horrible that – while the past four years have been unfolding my life’s work and my life’s purpose, it’s not quite a corporate salary and great benefits situation.
Yet.
I mean – I know what I do. I know what I do well. I see the effects of my efforts. I am amazed at how quickly everything is moving and growing and changing yet it still seems so slow. In some ways, I feel like I can’t share my vision anymore because – well, it’s simply time to work.
And, even then I took a pause because I don’t want anybody reading this feeling like bad for me or like “sounds like things aren’t going well”. Things are thriving. Budding. Exciting. I am more motivated than ever. The studio turned a year old and we have 70 members and I have a ton to do to get ready to lead my inaugural training in St. Croix (which only has 3 spots left) and I understand what I do so clearly, that now it’s simply time to keep going. It’s happening.
You keep going and then, when you’ve spend too much time in flow, you stop for a day to take care of the laundry piles and vacuum and make a homemade meal to give people a break from (pretentious) hot dogs. So, there’s that… it’s definitely the marker of a chapter I am in. It’s why I want to capture this… it feels like a grab bag, an intersection, a messy bridge.
I wanted to capture it because I am headed full blast forward. We are at the beginning of a chapter that is going to be defined by my boundless creativity, love of storytelling and conversations with friends and my full faith in the practices my life has taught me that I am going to share with you. I mean – it’s already amazing, the way the studio feels is ripe and nourishing and joyful – why wouldn’t it get more so?
This post needs to exist so I can look back on this night that I made chicken in the new cast iron with a side of thai green lentil curry while reflecting on the podcast I recorded with my coach that made us both jaw drop – like, this conversation is real and good and powerful – this recording happened after cleaning the house which I completed after drafting an email to our 500+ person audience with 70% open rates which I wrote after responding to my team which I did after organizing my day which I took time to do after waking up and making a gut tonic and having a moment where I asked myself: what type of energy do I want to bring today?
The answer? Expansive.
