What does Fear have to do with Being Loved First?

It’s been an interesting morning. The layers and the context are drags in the mud, so will spare you. But here I am now with my “All Time Favorite Songs” playing in the background, in front of a window, wearing my new earrings from Old San Juan that are bright poppy reddish pink and match the friendship bracelet necklace I made in St. Croix. I mean… to complain about the layers and the muddy context would be to take away from the very real fact that I have no real problem right here and right now.

An Art Fair to be present at this weekend? Yes.

A prenatal training to be present for this weekend? Yes.

Three yoga and restorative yoga classes to intelligently prepare for in the next three days? Yes.

And whether it is the mission to support women out of my yoga clubhouse and studio community or my priority to feed my spirit so that my words can be fully owned by God that is causing my present moment to be so super charged, I can’t help but release the very real to do list for full present moment alignment.

I have marketing work and sales work and this constant (fear?) stress that if only I tried a little harder, focused a little more – this time around would be less experimental and more impactful. I don’t feel as prepared for the Art Fair as I thought I might be. There are some loose threads around the prenatal training that I thought I would have more tightly woven together.

But I also have this very real trust that things are always as they should be. That if I am focused on how I feel and what my body needs that the natural care for others, my family, my presence all will align correctly.

In the background of this processing is a trunk full of all of my notebooks. This trunk has been organized in two notable times. One was my “bachelorette party”… The weekend before I left for the Pacific Northwest to marry David, I spent with with all the notebooks out on the table – going through the chapters, looking back on my story, putting them in order, ripping out the loose stuff, keeping the good stuff. I spent that weekend with coffee and my past and my thoughts. It was a different kind of hangover than other brides to be might have – it was a 2020 solo rerun and it was awesome.

The second time I went through the notebooks was a bit more recent. In an rare wind I caught before Christmas time in 2025. I started pulling together all the everything in the house and took over the basement. All the poetry in one corner… All the fiction in another… the planners that have the kind of life artifact scribbles “planes hit the twin towers today”… that just hold *history* in a stack of their own.

So now, as I prepare for a chapter of a new found dedication to my mental health and that dedication supporting me telling my story, it’s time to take another look through the trunk (especially as it has gotten just a little overflowing with things…)

BUT HOW.

I decided to close my eyes and pick three things and one of those things was my Grandma’s Devotional Book… today’s verse was 1 John 4:18 and I found something particularly helpful to today.

““In love there can be no fear – but fear is driven out by perfect love: because to fear is to expect punishment – so anyone is afraid is imperfect in love. We are to love, because we are loved by God first.”

I am finding myself playing with the idea that if perfect love drives out fear, and fear expects punishment – then anytime we start anticipating being left or being hurt or doing something wrong and having to deal with a consequence we don’t want, that we are forgetting we were loved by God first.

That in all of the things I have to do for the business and for the home, that all of the things on my heart and mind for my relationships – that the pressure I start to feel is because of an expectation I believe is on me that I must meet (or what?!) or because of a consequence I want to avoid (is it even real?) but that the mode of operation that I have always found to work: how do I feel / what does my body need / align from there – is really a quality idea because it is rooted in the fact I am loved by God first.

Understanding my body as sacred technology, that the emotions and energy I have can be cleared / charged / balanced – and that from this place, I can access creativity and access connection, to do my best work (come what may)… is to understand I am here because I am loved and because I am love and from that place, I can love.

Noticing Fear as an Invitation to Love

Noticing fear of consequence, of failing, of expectation is to be invited into the love that is your birthright.

It is quite powerful of a realization, ya know. And so … from this point … I think it is time for another coffee (more on my coffee regimine sometime) and some direct sunlight.

A week ago, I taught this amazing packed class at a studio in St. Croix, U.S.V.I – in the middle of class, music from two very loud speakers started blasting directly towards the studio, causing me to *lock in* in a whole new way. Cadence to match rhythm. Trusting the process. Trusting the energy. Feeling my feeling, asking my body what it would want. Teaching from that place. It’s an important process.

“Grace Upon Grace”: A Tribute to Nancy Wieman Hall

Three years ago, Nancy asked me if I would capture her life story so she could read it as a speech to a women’s group. She said she “knew no better writer”. This obviously meant a lot to me (and made me very nervous about my work), but as I interviewed her and made notes – I realized something about my writing: it writes as the character speaks. I remember working on her speech and hearing her exact words and pacing in my mind.

Sadly, I didn’t see Nancy in the final months of her life. I keep checking in on that reality, expecting to find guilt – but it is not there. There is this peace. This awareness that – in some ways – my friendship with Nancy is only just beginning as I hear her even now.

Enjoy this speech – she said she imagined it could also be used to eulogize her, so it only seems fitting to share it with you all today, as we celebrated her faithful life. Rest in peace, my dear sister in Christ. In your service today, I felt God’s four letter word for you: MINE ❤️

Grace Upon Grace

Photographs of friends and family, passed around like a bowl of popcorn on a Saturday night – inviting stories, traditions and enjoyment of one another.

Comforting quilts made by my grandmothers – whose hands and attention stitched us together across time. 

How wonderful it is to have these pillowcases and quilts, threaded with even God’s mercy, as they have comforted us each in our personal needs and rest.

In my home you’ll find stacks of books upon “gotcha books” – each thoughtful in ways that really make you wonder. 

A favorite tradition of mine is to find a Christmas book to read aloud and share with others whether at our cherished PEO Christmas Program or gathered in my home for coffee. 

Doing so, a present which also brings us present, like children, to absorb the many ways God speaks to us. 

No matter how old you get – you are always a child. 

A child able to embrace that joy is always on the way. 

A child able to allow the little things – like the reflection light makes through cut glass – to spark joy like that which comes in the morning with the gift of another day.

Angels and fishing trips – 

Music and friendships – 

Like a Christmas tree is with its ornaments, my heart is full with gratitude for my favorite things; the things that make me smile.

So, now – let’s let them tell you about Nancy Hall. 

My Family and My Names:

An only child, I was born “Nancy” (“like a bell” my daddy would say) in 1936 to Edwin and Eleanor Weidman. 

A daughter and granddaughter, as time went on, my names grew to include “Ms. Weidman” as I was to my music students. 

A date to the mini opera led me to be “Girlfriend”, then “Wife” to Leon. 

And, of course, I became “Mother” to David and Melissa. 

The four of us share many memories enjoying Saint Louis, where our love of the Cardinals – which for me goes back to ballgames with my daddy – and our Muny seats have remained the same over the years. 

To be mother, to be wife. So very grateful am I for the gift of receiving a name. 

A gift a specific person brings you to be.

I became “Mother in Law” to David’s wife, Caroline, and Melissa’s husband, Jeff.

I am “Nana” to Catherine, David, Daniel and George, and to Julianne, Caroline and Celia. 

The richness of memories traveling with my family: Hilton Head and Westover, Stanford and Sweden, and all the many field hockey tournaments <are rivaled only by the magnitude> of the Grand Canyon – where we also have travelled together.

These memories are precious and as beautiful as a table set with white plates and crystal.

My Travel. 

I remember the jammies I wore on my first train ride. 

Traveling with my mother to Oakland for my daddy’s ship to come in, watching from the window as the landscape changed from the midwestern plains to the rushing streams and mountains of Colorado, until we arrived in California and met its bridges, flowers, sunshine and my first ever apricot. 

Whether it was the people I befriended or the wonderful places I went, travel became a gift I would experience over and over again in my life. 

Sunday afternoon cruises with daddy in the car around town became Sunday afternoon cruises up <the river in Prague> with Leon. <placeholder for the 10 year Passion play in Germany, World’s Fair, music festivals, National Parks, visiting relatives tie together>

The wonderful people I would meet in all the different places – each with their own story, each of them ordinary, each of them children… 

Experiencing people on a human level grows you, you see, because they are as you are. 

My travels and my friendships did exactly that. And I am thankful. 

My Friendships. 

“Make new friends, but keep the old.”

Your friends are the ones who know your stories. 

I have always made friends easily, all my life.

Camp friends and school friends, church friends, Bible Study Fellowship and PEO and of course those who share my love of music…

…what a gift it is to have a friend who can bring you back to yourself and to certain parts of your life with a letter, shared memory or a kind smile. 

The first angel in my collection is a gift from my high school music teacher who befriended me. 

After a concert where the choir sang “Glory to God” <in exuberance> from the rafters, my teacher gave me a conductor angel – a memento bringing together worship, friendship and music. 

This memento began a lifelong hobby of collecting and receiving angels.

My Angels.

Wood, crystal, porcelain and metal – my collection of angels are made up of all different materials and are a treasure to me. 

Filling my home, each one has a story of origin, chosen by me for its face or given to me by a thoughtful friend.

Angels are the messengers of God, and though the many angels in my home celebrate this: 

I do not need these angels to know that the Lord speaks directly and personally….

My Faith

// God giveth free – 

light from above –

cometh to me – 

that I may tell others the joy in this place – 

seeking upon knowing – 

grace upon grace – //

The gift of a name has been given to me by others. 

Maturity given to me by travel and experience. 

Friends have given me angels and stories. 

But the Lord? 

The Lord has given me the gift of a song in the night. 

A song in the night, that came in exact melody and <lyrical form>, a demonstration of how well God knows his children. 

That we can receive such gifts unique to our individual lives is so special. 

Your life shows your priorities. 

When I look back on my life, from my earliest days involved in the church – looking down the pew on <Sunday morning> for my various family members to later in life finding family in church community – such as my Wednesday CoreGroup, I know my time has been spent cherishing where God, friends and music come together giving Glory to God. 

Glory to God. May it be so. 

For Jesus loves me. This I do know. 

Sweet like Christmas cookies and the countenance our faces have upon them, 

I cherish the special season of Christmas and the times we gather together – 

for what better way to give Glory to God, than with friends? 

GIVE – a four letter word. 

Like KNOW and like GROW, 

And so it begins – 

I look for four letter words as a practice of my faith. 

UPON

SEEK

KIND

And 

LOVE

These four letter words connect me to God and greater things above. 

// Love God and your brother – 

And live to serve and give – 

That you may be just and worthy – 

By the Christlike life you live // 

Grace upon Grace, even my name “Nancy” celebrates this gift. 

Comforting like my grandmothers quilts, the thought of grace, my spirit lifts. 

I am so very thankful. 

For Jesus – 

He loves me. 

This I do know. 

Glory to God. 

May it be so.

The Interesting Part About Faith

Over the past couple weeks of venturing into this new agreement with OM Old Orchard, the new boutique yoga studio in Webster Groves, I have found myself learning about a knee jerk reaction that exists in me.

This knee jerk reaction wants to share context, explain a little bit, walk you through why it makes sense – why it works for you, what is in it for others, introduce you to the inspiration behind it, share. Share. Share.

This knee jerk reaction comes up in response to fear. Fear related to whether or not the investment of time and money will work. I think THIS is why I am noticing the reaction and rising above it, actually.

Because my investment of time and money is rooted in love, I actually have zero doubt this “will work”. Will it be exactly what I envision? Probably not, but that is why I am practicing visioning for the day. Keep the baseline close, learn in real time, iterate accordingly.

Most of my friends, family and students / yoga community know that the Fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self control) are my guidepost for emotional navigation, interactions, meditations, etc. Even my book, Words that Rhyme and Lullabies, has a fruit of the Spirit that controlled each page. (I should share about that sometime….)

In my study of the Fruits of the Spirit through straight up referencing them in scripture, I will come across 1 Corinthians 13:13: “Abide in faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love”. That has been a bit of a study crux for me for awhile, because hope isn’t a Fruit of the Spirit. And faithfulness is, but Faith isn’t. Love is referenced in both.

My dad taught me the Spirit is active the moment you believe the Spirit is active. You always have the love you need, the peace you need, the patience you need – the moment you assume it. Love is warmth, connection, inclusion, trust.

When you learn what the soft animal of your body loves (RIP Mary Oliver), you do so because of the way what you love feels.

You feel connected, attracted, you include, you trust.

And this has to be why the greatest of Faith, Hope and Love is Love. Stick with me here…

Because if you are spending time energetically in your body and with the way your life feels in your body, then you are learning what you love, what love is, how love feels. When you have this imprint, you are now oriented. Energetically speaking, what you love guides your every action.

Is the love that orients you God’s love? Is it also safe for others? Is it also warm to others? Can others abide in it and thrive in the same love that orients you? Does everybody have a seat at your table of love? If so, your love is God’s love pouring out.

And when you’re acting and interacting from God’s love, you can have hope. Hope that the plans you commit to are not just the plans of your mind, but plans designed through co-creation with Siva (form) and Shakti (the formation) – Spirit energy – Truth of all Truth Energy. The success of your plans *big or small* can have hope like an anchor as they are inherently committed to divine will because they come from love. (Proverbs 16:3)

And we know “hope does not disappoint” because because BECAUSE “the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (Romans 5:5) FULL CIRCLE!

The Holy Spirit is the God in you. You are divine. Ong namo guru dev namo. (I honor the divine wisdom that exists, that exists in me)

Living true to your divine design, you act and interact from the place of love NOT just what comes out of you but what you give generously to yourself because you cannot believe that you are divine and truly embrace the Holy Spirit dwelling in you *without* recognition that your body is a temple. (1 Corinthians 16:19-20) Aaaaaand, how do we recognize our body as a temple?

We care for it. We spend time in it. We pay attention to what comes in through our eyes, our ears, as much as we pay attention to what comes in through our mouth, the air we breathe in, what we touch.

We notice what we love. What our bodies tell us to take in that make them feel safe. Supported.

And *that* is what gives us faith that moves mountains. Because the awareness and the freedom you start to feel through the practice of your yes and your no, your activation of Spirit and all of the fruits that come with it will shift your perceptions and calm your mind chatter (“citta” in yoga).

And the knee jerk reactions to fear become so easily recognizable because you know there is nothing to fear. Not even death. Because the power of Christ – the Holy Spirit – the divine co-creative ability will be so alive and so active and so powerful that to feel fear will only ground you in faith.

<deep breath in>

✌🏽