Yesterday, I wrote a little post about my morning and in it I referenced Paul writing to the Corinthians and suggesting this idea of “wonder if Paul knew I would be reading it on the first of March…” When I wrote it, it felt a little trite. Like something I would have written in a grade school autobiography.
(PS – I thought that because it is quite literally something I would have written in a grade school auto biography)
But I kept it in the post bc not only am I doing VERY little editing but it felt right. And, today, I am further convinced of something as to why it feels write. I mean right.
So, I did the same thing as yesterday – “got to work by 9” (this time with a little spare time to make an egg and toast for me and the man vs. yesterday’s plate of fruit. go me.) I did my brain dump, made my daily goals and lit some incense, thanked the divine for what felt like a massive spike of patience and kindness in my heart (I did not forcefully put a single dish in the dishwasher! Which is my petty little outlet for fatigue and self pity!) and anyway I did talk out loud to the supernatural world about some things on my heart.
Though I didn’t forcefully put a dish in the dishwasher, I was *really* tired and I got quiet. I would like to ultimately level up to like singing maybe? That might be buddha level, but we shall see. I just want to be softer and more gradual. Feels like, smells like, more patience.
Anyway. I sat with my whiteboard and blue marker and wrote the words that came to me. “fill my cup”… “patience”… “warmth sun forgiveness”… “Titus” (weird, I thought) and then the numbers 3… 6… 9… 15… 12… 13… 14… 67 (quite a jump) and then F I V E with an underline.
So why five like that. (and just like that… the Google timer for 5 minutes – the time I took to write thus far – goes off.)
Surely that was not why. I am mid thought… Plus I was feeling rushed. Not really an enjoyable writing experience although I do think I have done quite nice work on my punctuation and grammar.
<sighs>
<slows down>
I traced “fill my cup” to scripture and found this passage where Jesus basically says to a bunch of guys “you stupid idiots, you gotta wash the inside of your cup first. obvi.> The idiots had washed the outside of their cup but, missed the “greed and self indulgence” that was crusted nasty on the inside of the cup.
Convicted.
So I went on… traced “patience” to scripture.. Ah, good old Proverbs. “listen to advice and accept instruction and you will gain wisdom” + “from wisdom comes patience” = listen to advice, Erin and you’ll gain patience.
If the advice I got was to clean the inside of my cup and the promise was that in doing so, I’ll receive more patience, then how do I clean the inside of my cup?
“Warmth… Sun… Forgiveness”
I sat with it. I searched my photos for “sun” and got these wonderful pictures:
the sun beyond dolphins at Bonita Beach, FL…. the sun behind Lucy playing cornhole in Lake Tahoe… the sun breaking through trees on a Christmas Day hike, on a hike in Oregon, on a walk in my neighborhood… then there was the sun up between buildings in Washington DC, out in the country where I was walking my dog (RIP Ranger) off leash, ohhhhhh the sun aligned perfectly on Cannon Beach, above mountains in North Carolina… and then, my favorite sun of all – in the gardens in Ojai (pictured below).
I sat in my basement study feeling the warmth of the sun in a space with no window. I remembered that scripture about the faithfulness of the rising sun. You can bet it will happen… time and time again. And with that, came a wash of forgiveness that comes when you are acutely self aware of where you want just a little knick of support; a little tweak in the mental game.
And though I still don’t know “why five”, I do feel certain that I am headed into the rest of my day with my head screwed on mostly straight.
Frozen Spaghetti 