In a Pear Tree

When I stop and let myself think about it, life is going really fast. A lot has changed, I have learned a lot and there is plenty to do – every day – from dawn to dusk.

I stopped my posting streak to contemplate the art of the quick publish blog vs. the complete thought. I wondered if a happy stream of consciousness where the writing stopped when the scene changed could be considered “complete” and I felt the angst of having to pull for meaning in order to sum things up, tie them together and otherwise leave things resolved.

In a lot of ways, not only is that impossible to do when you are in such a wide turn of change such as the one in which I find myself but it also brings the personal challenge I have always had writing on the internet: how to skillfully tell a story without revealing too much, how to be vulnerable and private, how to offer insight but not seem too much a wanderer / wonderer.

Life is happening so fast. And yet despite its rapid growth, there are crazy delays and drags which cause me to question if I am trying as hard as I should be, putting in the time I need to… am I meeting my goals?

In my 4 decades of living, times I start to analyze, strategize and organize to reach a particular aim, seem to create this little pocket of opportunity for uncertainty and friction. My controlling nature creeps in these pockets. Right behind it, is my emotional nature that sobs and cries; never really fully satisfied with herself and so she over compensates… over protects… over thinks….

AND TALK ABOUT A DRAG AND A TIME KILLER.

And I can’t do that anymore. I am retired from that type of achiever type of thinking.

My solution this time around is to just keep going, keep living. Keep doing what feels right. Keep trusting myself. Keep trusting my intentions.

Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.

To myself. To others. To the dogs.

And just like that, the crazy delays and drags that come up are seen just as they are: as realities against expectations. They morph from obstacles into opportunities to be a little more Buddha like in dropping ideals. When all the ways I think things should go are gone, things are simply going – available for attention and progress… and I find myself writing a flow out in a blog post. Confident to publish and get up. Sure I won’t re read and save draft.

When I sat down to explore this morning in writing, I was prompted for a Title by WordPress and after a couple of ideas, I heard, “and a partridge in a pear tree”.

Why the redundant lyric came to mind is beyond me but I recognize the comfort of always coming back to it, where it all begins, with one.

One life. One heart. One mind. One step. One day. One year. One moment at a time.

And so with all the dogs and cats, the publishing project and the marriage, the houses and the dishes, the teen girls and the boy. With all the laundry and the cleaning, the networking and the living, the gardening and the coffee and the music.

With all the all the all the all, there is just one of me. A partridge.

So, How Was Your Tuesday?

Alternate title: Not letting any negative thoughts in

It’s Tuesday night. I have a face mask on and am playing with hair color. My kids are at their dad’s. I voted. I really need to clean out my fridge but am contemplating letting all of that sit for Saturday. If I weren’t getting my kids a little early this week, I totally would.

I really need to make a fresh to do list. Things are ramping up at work and I know that I will do an awesome job waiting till the last minute (why would that tactic fail me now?) but also know that I will kill it if I up the ante a little bit.

I am leading a conference in September and am starting to thread the path together of how I will lead about 100 IT personnel through about 40 capabilities that need to be supported at the end of our effort.

This month also marks the last month I teach on Monday nights.

So it is kind of like I am simultaneously speeding up and slowing down – all while staying – well, positive.

As I started to peck around my dishes (ps you have no idea how fast I am typing because this dye needs to come out), I started harping on myself about the blog and what is the point and nobody comments and isn’t it stupid that I wrote an invitation to comment in my last post and nobody did and I should I edit it.

And I shut that down. No. Negative Thoughts.

For whatever reason, I got the momentum to write, easy – breezy – posts. I have readers. You GUYS ARE THERE I SEE YOU. And I love you. Talk to me! Tell me you think this is crap. Or that you think it is golden.

This is the start of my blog. It’s the resurrection. Well – it will be the full rebirth when I have a new title.

Praying on that.

Okay – see you two shades darker.

erin