Tag: parenting

Words in Sentences

It’s a little over the top

by ErinLeave a Comment on It’s a little over the top

I had somebody ask me if I ever loosen up and “go crazy” – the context being they saw me as super in control and kind of like I have a stick up my butt.. they were thoughtful as they asked if I was ever just so carefree that the next morning would be full of “oh my God that was SO fun”. Wild. Over the top.

I have thought a lot about that question. My friends, good friends and best friends all would chuckle at that – but I get it. I once met a coworker face to face after much time of working together and they were amazed, “you’re so laid back”, she finally laughed halfway through our conversation, admitting she always knew me as intense.

But, I couldn’t answer that original question right. Everything out of my mouth sounded a little too square “yeah, I mean, sometimes I have three glasses of wine” or “sure – when I go out, I’ll have some Grand Marnier” – but it’s true: I don’t drink to have a good time. I just don’t – it is something I changed when I got divorced and wanted to know where my emotions were coming from. Do I drink? Yes. Do I have a good time? Yes. Do I drink fast, a lot, or drink what I don’t like? No. No and No.

But yet, the answer to the question was a hard core yes. I do loosen up. I do “go crazy”. I do go wild. Life is, at times, over the top.

And today, when I was driving east on 70 from St. Charles down to Pridefest – rounding hour four of my Three Little Birds Pandora station – I realized, this is the yes.

I use the fact my daughters trust me to get in and out of the car with me over and over and over again and I use the fact that I have a fantastic sense of timing, a logistical intuition, to kick it – all over town, all over the country. I max our experiences. I put the onus on them at times, I put the onus on me at times, and – I guarantee, tomorrow, we will be playing it all back over French Toast & the last of the week’s fruit.

I woke up right at 9am “I wonder what time it is” – (I did not get up when my normal 5:30am alarm went off) – yay, it was the exact time I needed to get the house up.

French Toast on the griddle, dog fed, girls up. Ellen’s game.

I ran over a plastic tupperware, it popped and turned heads. I got back from my water and juice run and learned everybody laughed at me (so the girls say). I expected that.

I was “that mom” with the Sex and the City Miranda hat, no makeup and glasses.

Guess what? I didn’t care.

Ellen had some awesome at bats. It wasn’t burning hot. And my dog dumped in the bushes / ivy, unaccessible to me, so I didn’t have to pick it up. A good time.

We went home. Snacked. Hydrated. I put on hoop earrings. (I mean *you dress up for Pride*) and we hit the road.

Ran through the timing of what we thought we may be able to accomplish today and switched the plans. Onto I-170 to 70 to Main, it was. The girls had some birthday shopping to do and Ellen had a craving for Valentis.

The girls bummed Main Street while I bought Ranger a taco dog treat. (That I almost just capitalized, because it was that prominent.)

We ate sandwiches. I got a coffee. I got a really really good coffee. The barista looked like that guy from Twilight – not the werewolf – but the other team, just with blonde hair and blue eyes. Young, but beautiful, and I would have let him talk to me about how proud they are of the way they roast the Ethiopian beans for at least another 15 minutes.

We wrap it up. Pridfest is next. The whole time, we are listening to One Love, No Woman No Cry, Ziggy Marley left and right, Sitting on the Dock of the Bay. From the backseat I hear, “Mom, this is so your radio station.” It reminds me of West Palm Beach. I start craving crab legs and a Southwest ticket.

We get to Pride. We got an awesome parking spot. Just like in St. Chuck. The girls are hilarious. They are so into it. Everybody loves Ranger. He is loving being a part of the pack.

And all the fries on the ground.. Obviously.

Next up – Soulard, just for ten minutes, we need to restock kitchen essentials. Mainly: Vanilla. Because… “Mom, you have made French Toast literally everyday this week.”

It’s true. I have worked 7:30-11:30a from home, then taken the afternoons off to relax with my kids. Each day, it’s French Toast. Capitalized. Prominent.

Before getting on 44 to head home, we loop by Tower Grove. To feed the sister’s cat (Lucy’s summer gig: cat sitting, hit me up if you need help). This whole plan is working out perfectly.

Home. Feed Dog. He is wiped out. Water the plants. Hydrate. In the car.

Three Little Birds radio is still kicking it.

Six Flags or bust. Because, why not? I knew last night it was possible to hit a Saturday wavelength with the girls that would be reminiscent of our 5am drive north to St. Augustine from Orlando, my Beach Front Avenue cruise, that we would be able to go – over the top.

Over the top. That bubbling over of righteousness, that radical laughter when “Day-O” by Harry Belfonte comes on as you are pulling onto Six Flags drive and the girls whoop “MOOOOOOOM!”

“This day is amazing!”

“MOM THIS IS YOUR SONG!” Remember when you made up that whole story about this song and sang into a flashlight?

// Pandemonium. The Boss. Batman. American Thunder. Ice Cream. //

My kids buy their own gimmicks and sweets, by the way. Not all of this was my dime. (Well, directly, they get a no questions asked allowance. As long as they have something left for the offering plate and their end of mom week checklist is done.)

We were starving. I was thinking.

“Burgers sounds good.”

9:15pm. Schnucks. Sirloin. Buns. Pickles. Lettuce. Tomato.

Showers begin, burgers cook. Platter is made. I am literally having an out of body experience in my kitchen as I deliriously (I said “we rode motorcycles” instead of “rollercoasters”) put it together like the most meaningful guest was dropping by.

“YEAH THIS IS BEAUTIFUL” – “Finishing Strong” – “Way to finish strong, mom”

We talked about a couple things over our burgers. We talked about the protesters we saw at Pride. We talked about how cool it was to see people celebrating individuality, celebrating who they are…. We talked about if there was anything at Pride they saw that they didn’t necessarily agree with. (Putting duct tape on the nipples, didn’t seem like a great idea to us…) We talked about how when you’re in the zone, just finish strong. Let the whole day be epic. We talked about what was making the burgers spicy (red pepper and garlic seasoning from the Soulard Spice Shop.) And then.

Of course.

We started to talk.

About each part of the day.

That was so fun.

“That was so fun”

I can’t believe it.

“I can’t believe it”

Epic.

Over the top.

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This post was not intended to indirectly answer any one person, have a conversation I wouldn’t have in person, or put myself in any type of social positioning. If you thought that at any point in this post, I thank you for reading and assure you – this is just my life. These are just the dots that connected today.

Also, knowing that driving the 70 mile U to do these isn’t something common or practical is what puts it mildly on par with some of those all nighters, backstage passes and wall scaling type of ventures. 

PEACE

Words in Sentences

Peace in Snakes and Cookies

by Erin1 Comment on Peace in Snakes and Cookies

I once had this image of Jesus praying, knowing he was going to physically hurt and face death.

I imagined him on the cross, knowing that he was going to die and how, based on what we know about Christianity, he must have hung there with conviction that God prevails – life prevails…

…from the darkest days of winter come the lightest days of spring.

Carolyn Myss said in an interview with Oprah that she did not think humans were actually afraid of death, but moreso afraid of how they were going to die.

Jesus knew. It was going to be brutal, but all good in the end.

I used to think this was a generational thing, but the older I get, the more I realize adhering to a “God-given” concept is difficult. You can be a good person without being Christian. (Heck, you can probably even be a better person than some Christians. )

Believing whole-heartedly there is one way is not accommodating to a flexible, alternate world.

And, given the state of media and the flux of information, even feeling settled into one way you find mildly appealing can be a challenge. There is just so much to consider, all the time.

I hear people say, “I am not religious. I am spiritual.” But there is not always conscious alignment between outward living and spiritual self, necessarily.

In some of my experiences with people in either school of thought “you don’t have to believe in God to be a good person” or “I am not religious, I am spiritual”, I see an opportunity for ministry – for community – for service. Something that puts it out there and if the school of thought is really working for you, invite others in, saying, “YOU! Yes! You too could be enjoying this miserable day!”

Sometimes it’s the absence of gratitude I don’t understand, like shouldn’t we all honor that bigger intelligence that makes bees and galaxies?

And, that leads me then to the concept of “hope”.

I have grown to realize that I prefer to use hope as a noun “I have hope” as opposed to a verb.

Don’t “hope so” – have hope that it will be so. It’s supposed to be an anchor, anyway. (Hebrews 6:19)

People hope for new things but then spend time imagining every single possible obstacle or opposite result: “but my family”, “but my children”, “but my life”, “but my job” “but the bills”…

We all do this – we think of all the things that have to change or move for that thing that feels good and right to happen and it makes us sad.

We lose the hope.

HYPOTHETICAL SADNESS CHOKES HOPE.

I remember watching Lucy color on a sheet of graph paper. The page was covered with the exception of two cookies that she drew for me when I came over to sit by her. What I found fascinating was that when she offered to “draw me some cookies”, she drew them directly on top of something else.

Personally, I would have been strongly inclined to use a blank piece of the paper or start a new sheet.

After all, it is a new picture – a new image – a new concept – a new idea…

How could that new idea possibly take shape and be whole on top of another idea?

But… see, that is just it!

Your life is completely layered. Year after year,  you layer: memories, lies, challenges, successes, goals, ideas, relationships lessons, skills, failures, loss.

Watching Lucy color on top of color, cookies on top of snakes, I realized my personal grief, sadness and stress tend to come from wanting fresh starts, clean slates, new beginnings so I can change.

I crave resolutions, birthdays, milestones as times to rebuild and realign my identity to a newly discovered aspect of my purpose or a new habit or practice.

I found peace in all those colors, assimilating them along with the years of my life. All of my experience I wish I could erase because I would do it differently? I know now that within those experiences are my lessons which have led to subsequent successes.

I know that the times my strengths were undervalued or underused propelled me to where I am now: valuing and using my full set of my capabilities as much as humanly possible.

Why do I want to wipe those clean?

Grace is acceptance – acceptance is peace.

This picture to me is grace: draw something new on top of what already exists.

No more guilt-debt, wishful line-erasing, wasteful paper… just keep coloring.

Love the layer and layer the love.

So think about that for a little bit. I’m going to go to sleep.

Grace in Snakes and Cookies

Words in Sentences

How to Know You Need a Bath (or a Sandwich)

by ErinLeave a Comment on How to Know You Need a Bath (or a Sandwich)

Today could easily be called a disappointment. It started right: I was effortlessly productive and smiling with the girls. But it all just melted away.

Do I blame the  hot Saint Louis summer sun?

Can my ideal day be destroyed just like a bomb pop?

Where did I go wrong?

If there is a string on each part of my being that keeps my spirit lifted, where is the one that needs to be re-tied?

I feel it in my heart, something I need to learn from this so I can be better at it next time.

We were at the zoo when the shrieks of a broken-hearted 5 year old (distraught over a positioned for impulse buy yo-yo), opened the flood gates for self pity and sleep deprivation to convince myself that it was over: the picture of newborn Ellen on my fridge was a long lost memory and now I had this new creature – this mean, uncontrollable little girl who didn’t understand real love and would trade me for a yo-yo.

We went home.

I made lunch.

I let the sobbing continue while I cooked – a little bacon, shrimp, pasta, Alfredo sauce, peas – and then fed my over heated under eated children.

I watched them devour food and remembered something I said over the weekend when the 2 year old fell apart over a pony ride at an outlet mall.

I said, “When they cry this hard it isn’t because of the ride. It is for food, comfort, sleep, water”. I took Lucy out of the heat and into the cool restroom, slowly wiped her down with water, changed her into a dry pamper, showed her what happy looked like in the mirror and we were fine.

I can relate to the frustration and heart break my children had over yo-yo’s and pony rides when they were hungry, hot and tired. It is the same fist-clenching teeth grind that arises in me when life does not give me what I want and I need a shower, a good night’s sleep or a cup of hot water.

So, question: can we take cues from our meltdowns as times to self care?

Parenting is teaching me to take care of the body (all of our bodies) first for optimal upper hierarchal results…

My sanity depends on it. Lesson. Learned.

Ok. Now on to look up how to spell cicada.