creative living – Frozen Spaghetti

I had a stress dream a few days ago about my old job. I mentioned on some other outlets that, over the summer, I was exploring a return to corporate life when the conversation went silent… awkwardly silent and came to an abrupt end with no honest explanation.

Was I rehirable? Did I say too much? Who doesn’t like me? Who doesn’t want to deal with me?

The immediate thoughts that flooded my mind brought me back to that red tape wonderland, my desires to achieve – to be trusted – to have a seat at the proverbial table.

It was three years ago that I decided to retire from corporate life and try something new: a garden, perfect a pie crust, start self publishing. These things felt complementary to my new role as wife, stepmom. That free time felt a little blank and has gotten full, though flexible. These days, I am constantly rebaselining as so much of my effort has born blossoms and buds and – in some very cherished cases: actual fruit.

In the dream, I was shut out – though I don’t remember why or how. I felt like I needed to know it was going to be OK. That I was worthy. I woke up at 2:30am, stressed out. Worried about money and health insurance and all of the other reasons people tie themselves to desks. “I have to get a job”, I thought. I can’t waste this time. I am not getting younger.

OOF.

Even now, recalling that, I feel that web of want and worry across my chest and back. <take a deep breath in>

And though, it’s true: it’s time to take Monday Night Yoga to its next formation, it’s time to update the audio page for Words that Rhyme and start selling and it’s time to reeeeeaaallllyyyy sit and whiteboard out the experiences for the Restorative Yoga for the Spiritual Person Journey, it is also true that I am right on time. Things are happening.

I have posted all over my social media (specifically a public Facebook post) about my recent trip to Universal Studios in Orlando and about the witnessing I got to do as I watched my oldest daughter absolutely field day with my stepson, recalling a wish she made on a Chinese Wishing Tree “for a baby brother”.

I also got to feel the growth my personal life undertook to make that manifestation all happen: the very private and supportive conversations between me and my husband, the evolution and inner closet cleaning I have done to heal or at least acquaint myself with childhood wounds brought to light from stepmothering (it’s not quite mothering, not quite friending, not quite stranger, not quite acquaintance) young women I didn’t raise. My love for my dogs, my absent minded gardening, my pie crust recipe I need to dust off. My hoodie. My makeupless face.

My writing.

My honesty.

The way it feels when you are both sad and happy, when you are both trying and successful, when you are both here and there, I think, is a real feeling. It brings out the inner stoic that remembers impermanence is the vehicle for mental transformation. It brings out the faithful mindset and the beautiful practices. It brings out the magic. It honors the muse.

To sit and write this, I recognize, is a gift of time.

My house is completely quiet. The wind outside and the click of the oven cooling down oven are faint. I can’t even hear my next task as the dishwasher hasn’t been run and the dryer has been done for an hour.

And to update Frozen Spaghetti with my 42 year old self, Erin Ford (I even have a new name. I mean – SO much has changed.) is to update the future on the past. To put into words where I am. This next round is real and it’s now and there are things that truly feel ripe and ready.

To close – back to the dream – so I wake up.

I stretch in bed. It turns to 3a and I remember, at midnight that morning, the Impromptu Sessions went live.

The Impromptu Sessions is a project David has had going for awhile and is a major milestone as it debuts US on world sound media.

The songs are special as they were made up (and recorded) impromptu, on the spot. And I love it. I love it there is no grounds for critique on my voice in “Farfelu” (a la “who doesn’t like it”) type thoughts because the face I am freestyling is so fun. And because of that, it’s freeing.

So I pressed play and was mesmerized all over again at how David and I wove so perfectly unplanned together and then was absolutely floored by David’s production as the next track “The Road” presented itself.

Brilliant. Beautiful. All of the words. So good.

Listening in the middle of the night, the EP closed with “North West Sunset”, a song that takes me directly back to our breakfast table in Washington and yet I was in Orlando… soothed back to sleep with fresh tears and a gentle reminder of my creative life.

Yesterday, I appeared on a local lifestyle tv show, Show Me Saint Louis, to share a vision casting exercise for your emotional well being. It was a little bit round about how the segment came to life, and – on my drive downtown to the station – I found myself reflecting perhaps there is just one person who needs the message I had to give. Just one.

Earlier this week, I got an email from Chloe, the manager of Apple Tree Magic’s self-publishing project, with some pictures of Words that Rhyme & Lullabies on the shelf in their store. Part of the contract I am in with Village Book’s Independent Publishing Program involves consignment and I have been really looking forward to this baby step in the overall coming together of my personal canon. Additionally this week, the distributors finally got the image updated and my initial creative offering to the world is now officially on Amazon and Barnes & Noble for purchase & reviews.

One person who needs the message. One bookstore with the book. No reviews yet, but it is there.

Driving home from the station, it dawned upon me that Apple Tree Magic: the current iteration of my creative, emotional and spiritual life presented to the world – had just peeked into the world and showed a leaf. My friend Milta remarked, “it is like Apple Tree Magic is starting to bud – it’s not the full fruit yet, but the seed that has been planted has taken root and is branching out.”

In the spiritual science of numerology (stick with me here), the energetic understanding or model of the numbers actually follows the pattern of nature as seen in the growth of a fruit tree. 1: seed, 2: root, 3: branch, 4: bud, 5: flower / fruit, 6: the miracle of interaction with flower & fruit (think: honeycombs and you eating an apple), 7: the growth / progress of said miracle of interacting with flower & fruit, 8: the flow that comes (still studying this one), 9: the culmination – the seeds in the fruit that can be planted, 10: 1+0 back to 1 and the cycle of nature repeats.

Apple Tree Magic started as the name of my personal effort to self-publish all of my creative content. I wanted to be an Apple Tree when I was young and now I realized poems and stories were my apples. Yet, then the devotional book wasn’t a book – it was a message, an ongoing living breathing message that is coming out in waves, workshops and television segments. And the message is the foundation of my yoga offerings. AppleTreeMagic.com evolved into the home of Yoga Underground, my original LLC and is showing very early signs of also being experiences and events as my network grows and I meet with creatives in the Webster Arts and Saint Louis community.

Milta’s comment of budding feels so absolutely true. The full fruit and function, the ongoing flow of the exchange & miracle, that is not in full flight. Yet, the simple root that came from the seed of “emotional & spiritual resourcefulness” has a sleek, slender branch that has Village Books (Fairhaven, WA), Urban Breath Yoga (Maplewood, MO), Joy of Yoga (Rock Hill, MO), Show Me Saint Louis (Saint Louis, MO), and Amazon / Barnes & Noble / Ingramspark… It’s a young branch but, doesn’t it seem quite mighty??

And the Webster Arts Community and Novel Neighbor branch – I can see it as new! I know my next projects, I am SO excited about what is coming and – well – I suppose I am quite fascinated by how when you are starting something, and rooting down, it’s dark and seems uneventful. That’s certainly how the last two years of creating and soft launching two written works has felt.

But now that I have a branch with a few buds and an emerging second branch, it’s not that I am not still rooting as the roots continue to expand and grow as I continue to branch out and bud… hopefully bearing fruit. What I am marveling at, however, is how rooting isn’t the only thing I am doing anymore. It’s happening but now as a silent underlying function of the magic. It’s happening in the prayer & meditation and the intentional alignment to values (use emotions as resources) and priorities (gratitude to something bigger than you first, always).

It’s a seek out the sun, dance in the rain kind of thing. So maybe – to spin this back to you – what are you conscious of in your waking life and how is it feeding your roots? And, here’s where the whole point of sharing about the number pattern comes in. 4 (budding) is symbolic of a square (4 corners) and presents this idea of how, in the discernment process, you typically have Choice A and Choice B and each of those typically have one main pro and one main con. (4 all together) And the idea with 4 is that you can’t be wrong when choosing in alignment with your values. 4 is full trust that choosing in alignment with the values, even if you stumble, will teach you what you need to know.

And the choice represents what kind of tree you are, the leaf denotes the lineage, (just like how you can identify plant species from their leaves and early markings). The choice, like the leaves & markings, presents you into the world not as the full fruit and opportunity for exchange BUT as the living breathing representation of the values & priorities. From there, you see, you and the elements meet and nurture your growth.

I get a lot out of considering different parts of my life in this particular model of thinking. Maybe that was enjoyable for you, as well.

Ok! Thanks for letting me share on the buds this week. Thank you, as always for your support. If you don’t mind doing the whole liking my Facebook thing, I would love it.

PS: I am considering the stepmom dialogue is going to end up in a group under Apple Tree Magic. If you’re on FB (ahem, UK friends), find me!