I had a stress dream a few days ago about my old job. I mentioned on some other outlets that, over the summer, I was exploring a return to corporate life when the conversation went silent… awkwardly silent and came to an abrupt end with no honest explanation.
Was I rehirable? Did I say too much? Who doesn’t like me? Who doesn’t want to deal with me?
The immediate thoughts that flooded my mind brought me back to that red tape wonderland, my desires to achieve – to be trusted – to have a seat at the proverbial table.
It was three years ago that I decided to retire from corporate life and try something new: a garden, perfect a pie crust, start self publishing. These things felt complementary to my new role as wife, stepmom. That free time felt a little blank and has gotten full, though flexible. These days, I am constantly rebaselining as so much of my effort has born blossoms and buds and – in some very cherished cases: actual fruit.
In the dream, I was shut out – though I don’t remember why or how. I felt like I needed to know it was going to be OK. That I was worthy. I woke up at 2:30am, stressed out. Worried about money and health insurance and all of the other reasons people tie themselves to desks. “I have to get a job”, I thought. I can’t waste this time. I am not getting younger.
OOF.
Even now, recalling that, I feel that web of want and worry across my chest and back. <take a deep breath in>
And though, it’s true: it’s time to take Monday Night Yoga to its next formation, it’s time to update the audio page for Words that Rhyme and start selling and it’s time to reeeeeaaallllyyyy sit and whiteboard out the experiences for the Restorative Yoga for the Spiritual Person Journey, it is also true that I am right on time. Things are happening.
I have posted all over my social media (specifically a public Facebook post) about my recent trip to Universal Studios in Orlando and about the witnessing I got to do as I watched my oldest daughter absolutely field day with my stepson, recalling a wish she made on a Chinese Wishing Tree “for a baby brother”.
I also got to feel the growth my personal life undertook to make that manifestation all happen: the very private and supportive conversations between me and my husband, the evolution and inner closet cleaning I have done to heal or at least acquaint myself with childhood wounds brought to light from stepmothering (it’s not quite mothering, not quite friending, not quite stranger, not quite acquaintance) young women I didn’t raise. My love for my dogs, my absent minded gardening, my pie crust recipe I need to dust off. My hoodie. My makeupless face.
My writing.
My honesty.
The way it feels when you are both sad and happy, when you are both trying and successful, when you are both here and there, I think, is a real feeling. It brings out the inner stoic that remembers impermanence is the vehicle for mental transformation. It brings out the faithful mindset and the beautiful practices. It brings out the magic. It honors the muse.
To sit and write this, I recognize, is a gift of time.
My house is completely quiet. The wind outside and the click of the oven cooling down oven are faint. I can’t even hear my next task as the dishwasher hasn’t been run and the dryer has been done for an hour.
And to update Frozen Spaghetti with my 42 year old self, Erin Ford (I even have a new name. I mean – SO much has changed.) is to update the future on the past. To put into words where I am. This next round is real and it’s now and there are things that truly feel ripe and ready.
To close – back to the dream – so I wake up.
I stretch in bed. It turns to 3a and I remember, at midnight that morning, the Impromptu Sessions went live.
The Impromptu Sessions is a project David has had going for awhile and is a major milestone as it debuts US on world sound media.
The songs are special as they were made up (and recorded) impromptu, on the spot. And I love it. I love it there is no grounds for critique on my voice in “Farfelu” (a la “who doesn’t like it”) type thoughts because the face I am freestyling is so fun. And because of that, it’s freeing.
So I pressed play and was mesmerized all over again at how David and I wove so perfectly unplanned together and then was absolutely floored by David’s production as the next track “The Road” presented itself.
Brilliant. Beautiful. All of the words. So good.
Listening in the middle of the night, the EP closed with “North West Sunset”, a song that takes me directly back to our breakfast table in Washington and yet I was in Orlando… soothed back to sleep with fresh tears and a gentle reminder of my creative life.
Frozen Spaghetti 