Category: Words in Sentences

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Words in Sentences

In a Pear Tree

by Erin1 Comment on In a Pear Tree

When I stop and let myself think about it, life is going really fast. A lot has changed, I have learned a lot and there is plenty to do – every day – from dawn to dusk.

I stopped my posting streak to contemplate the art of the quick publish blog vs. the complete thought. I wondered if a happy stream of consciousness where the writing stopped when the scene changed could be considered “complete” and I felt the angst of having to pull for meaning in order to sum things up, tie them together and otherwise leave things resolved.

In a lot of ways, not only is that impossible to do when you are in such a wide turn of change such as the one in which I find myself but it also brings the personal challenge I have always had writing on the internet: how to skillfully tell a story without revealing too much, how to be vulnerable and private, how to offer insight but not seem too much a wanderer / wonderer.

Life is happening so fast. And yet despite its rapid growth, there are crazy delays and drags which cause me to question if I am trying as hard as I should be, putting in the time I need to… am I meeting my goals?

In my 4 decades of living, times I start to analyze, strategize and organize to reach a particular aim, seem to create this little pocket of opportunity for uncertainty and friction. My controlling nature creeps in these pockets. Right behind it, is my emotional nature that sobs and cries; never really fully satisfied with herself and so she over compensates… over protects… over thinks….

AND TALK ABOUT A DRAG AND A TIME KILLER.

And I can’t do that anymore. I am retired from that type of achiever type of thinking.

My solution this time around is to just keep going, keep living. Keep doing what feels right. Keep trusting myself. Keep trusting my intentions.

Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.

To myself. To others. To the dogs.

And just like that, the crazy delays and drags that come up are seen just as they are: as realities against expectations. They morph from obstacles into opportunities to be a little more Buddha like in dropping ideals. When all the ways I think things should go are gone, things are simply going – available for attention and progress… and I find myself writing a flow out in a blog post. Confident to publish and get up. Sure I won’t re read and save draft.

When I sat down to explore this morning in writing, I was prompted for a Title by WordPress and after a couple of ideas, I heard, “and a partridge in a pear tree”.

Why the redundant lyric came to mind is beyond me but I recognize the comfort of always coming back to it, where it all begins, with one.

One life. One heart. One mind. One step. One day. One year. One moment at a time.

And so with all the dogs and cats, the publishing project and the marriage, the houses and the dishes, the teen girls and the boy. With all the laundry and the cleaning, the networking and the living, the gardening and the coffee and the music.

With all the all the all the all, there is just one of me. A partridge.

Words in Sentences

here we are, day four. an official record.

by ErinLeave a Comment on here we are, day four. an official record.

I am writing outside this morning – a Tuesday, on the week of a full moon. (in Aquarius, for those interested).

The pot of geraniums to my left reminds me to focus and the puppies are inside, if they freak out – I will hear them. If they are wrestling, I will not. They have received an hour of household training (stay on your blanket, good manners in the kitchen kind of thing while also remotely attempting to stay in one place when I am at the dining table… “blanket sovereignty” during rest time…. Jesus take the wheels… paws… whatever)

Since Sunday, I have spent so much time on my personal blogosphere. Going through old Facebook profile pics, feeling flashbacks to MySpace and designing my websites in my official (dare I say brand) personal color swabs that will be the foundation for all of my upcoming creative releases. Spotify album covering Sam Cooke and Milky Chance? Probably in “Ojai Sand”. Book of lullabye lyrics full of sketches of my best friends and their children or mothers? Probably in my “other worldly / galaxy lilac”.

Apparently Jeff Bezos is flying to outer space and I am sitting here establishing my inner world.

My husband and I were talking about Bezos this morning (a persona who otherwise gets little airtime in our household) and there was something said by one of us to the effect of “if you are that rich, you should be making the world a better place for others.”

It threw me back to a conversation I had yesterday with a good friend of mine out of North Carolina, USA. I shared with her a looming idea I have for a professional essay (read: taking yourself seriously attempt at the New Yorker or other in flight read…) and her response was “but don’t you think that is true because of privilege?”

(PS I came inside and the dogs, in fact, are wrestling)

The answer to her question was a yes and no, both / and situation. And I unpacked it – probably way more than I knew was coming – on the phone.

I bring this up because, then this morning I was walking through my gardens which are both less than and more and I grew really curious about the possibilities in my life, right now, with my resources. Financial? Sure, to a certain extent. But more so fueled by the creativity, craftsmanship and willingness present in my household; namely coming from the marriage I am in with my husband.

It’s with this that I had what felt like a genius, frivolous, idea for a modification to the house which – to a certain extent – screams “don’t you have something better to do with that money” (or time or resources, you get the point.) but that I felt, if I figured out how to do this seemingly frivolous modification, I would pave the way for essentials to become more readily available to those starting off.

Kind of – I think in some way – like Jeff Bezos?

Anyway. I made a little more coffee this morning when I got back from the walk I took the dogs on. Got handfuls of comments and compliments on “the puppies” and I always feel really excited about that, it’s empowering. It has that same charge that happens when I tell a woman totally working it coming out of Target that she is gorgeous or that I absolutely love her style. That “oh my gosh, girl – THANK YOU – that honestly made my day.” Just, for me at the park, a little less Naomi Campbell and more Brianna Madia.

I have a handful of things to do with my creative morning: bring up some stationary supplies, capture a devotion from class last night and figure out whether I want to do a devotional for this upcoming Full Moon. All of this has a center of gravity that boils down to THE email I send to my email list to start this whole thing moving. I have been sitting on it for months – an invitation to stay subscribed and for what reason or to unsubscribe. Insight into which of those early supporters has missed local community, fellowship yoga and experimental / experiential prayer and service. In other words, I am about to find out who is still a part of Yoga Underground – a network of believers and doers of good who sometimes like to stretch, have tea or take a walk / hike / see something beautiful together.

<pours a little liquor out for my Meet Up Group, deleted a few years back>

I just heard a dog gag which tells me, though the wrestling is over, the party ain’t so I need to go.

Thanks for being here and I’ll make plans to talk to you tomorrow. :) still in pencil, but plans nonetheless.

Words in Sentences

hello, monday: a real life realization

by ErinLeave a Comment on hello, monday: a real life realization

The one dog (it is the blonde one, this time I am sure) gives off a “I thought I was really important to you” quip from the laundry room, where they have been put up for a morning chill. The laundry is running and it is officially 9:15 (an “anchor time” as I refer to it in my puppy training).

Blonde Dog quipping from the laundry room and now seemingly trying to rouse his sweet obedient sister into wrestling (I hear her obliging), has clearly forgotten how important he has been to me all morning: the long walk through old webster where I let them leisurely sniff all the way home, the gobs of peanut butter on the tip of his nose, the relaxed pets in the sun on his blanket.

It’s time for me to get a little bit serious about my creative day as all the morning chores are done and my last cup of coffee begs for my attention, next to the mouse.

I take a lot of pride in the puppy training I undertook when adopting these two littermates. The internet was such a scary place for me in those early weeks of learning about littermate syndrome, what you want from two dogs who have been raised from scratch together (without any adult dog to model for them, to boot). Thank you to local Watering Bowl and to my friends who tirelessly told me “if anybody can do it, it is you”; I have grown to live out what I thought was true originally:

That to trust yourself initially is to trust yourself all the same at the crux.

“To Trust Yourself Initially, is to Trust Yourself all the same at the Crux.”

Me, today.

In a way, it reminds me a lot of rock climbing, jumping into a pool or riding a rollercoaster: once you have stepped into the experience, you have to come out. Rock Climbing is a little bit different because you are at your own mercy. Which makes it less like the inevitable truth of going underwater when jumping into a pool or going upside down or whatever riding the whole of the rollercoaster means. Surely you knew what you were getting onto or into.

With training the dogs, I am at my own mercy. The things I think are important are what is important. The things I think are ok, are ok. And the things that I am not okay with (either on behalf of myself or others…) are what is not okay.

Matter of fact, the hardest part about training two puppies is not training them – but disseminating the commands, expectations and allowed behavior to the 5 kids. Letting them interpret and explore their own independent voice with the dogs is as important as bridging what the dogs have learned and like. But, anyway, maybe more on that later.

The kids are all off with grandparents for the final weeks of July. I have two weeks (starting…. now) to get some organization in the creative zone and layout some anchors to my digital life. I had quite a bit of traffic to the ole blog site yesterday but not a clear path how that worked, how you got there. But for those newly following or that liked either of my last two posts; thank you. I am writing today partly because of it.

Aaaaaaand partly because apparently discipline and consistency are keys to success. (And, coincidentally, to puppy training)

On that note, the scene here draws to an end and I need to shut the dog up who played with his sister, wore out and just wants to know that I am still in the house. This is my current training dilemna.

And just like that – the Google in the kitchen goes off and gives me an excuse to go in there, let them see me and shut up per expectation. :)

Like if you do, share if you like. :) erin