Author: Erin

I write - all the time - mostly random thoughts on that which makes me happy every day of my life.
Words in Sentences

Praying Through Loss and Longing

by Erin1 Comment on Praying Through Loss and Longing

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It is my hope that if you read this, you will find a way into a new rest, into new peace – in whatever you are going through.

About two years ago, I was introduced “Ardas Bhayee” a prayer in sanskrit comprised of these words:

Ardas Bahee, Amar Das Guru, Amar Das Guru, Ardas Bahee.

Ram Das Guru, Ram Das Guru, Ram Das Guru, Sachee Sahee

If you click on the link above and listen to it, you’ll see it is really beautiful.

When I was taught this prayer, I was taught it is the perfect prayer. The meaning behind the words are the collection of mind, body and soul – when you pray these words, your voice threads together the needs of each of aspect of your life and you lift up your exact everything to God.

I think that a lot of times, what holds us up in prayer is the “figuring out” of what to pray for. We end up blocking our own faithfulness with over analyzing if God gives us “this” than that means “that” is likely and we are not sure how we feel about “that”. Or – because we know that what is best will take place – we don’t boldly approach the throne with what is we really long for. And then we may even question what it is we long for and feel like maybe we don’t deserve it, maybe we messed up too much to still qualify for it, or you long for a past chance.

These thoughts compound, the tea kettle sounds, the day starts and the prayer never happened. Because you could never figure out what to pray for.

So, there is a lot of freedom in this mantra and just the opportunity to hear the sounds of the beautiful sanskrit and fumble through singing along until all the sudden your heart has figured it out: you hum some words while sounding the ones you are confident in.

I cherish the freedom in knowing that this silence of mind and this sound of the heart and voice are doing all the work I didn’t have to do in the first place. The work I felt I had to do in master planning my life in order to know what to order from the divine is relieved. Instead, I can just lift it up through these words while I clean my house, brush my teeth, sit still.

This whole thought originally came about two days ago when I was in a moment that involved the remembrance of two very important people in my life: Kristi, who passed maybe 6 years ago now and Spindley, who passed about 3 years ago. Kristi taught me trustworthiness and loyalty. Spindley taught me good humor and friendly motivation.

To say that losing these two people was hard would be an understatement. Even now, my heart twists at the fact that they died. And I think that a lot of times, when we lose people in our physical life that had significance to us emotionally or spiritually, we try to will them back.

We look for signs of them. We want them by our side in moments. We feel their presence and breathe it in and are so thankful for the visit. And we want them to come back again for a visit through a cardinal or a butterfly or ladybug.

And this is awesome.

Equally – what is awesome – is when we take the opportunity to shift this perspective just a little bit. What happens when we feel the inclination to will their spirit and character to our moment and resolve, instead, to dedicate the moment to them.

In their honor, to their spirit – a nod to their legacy – we perform the work, we move forward. Not because they showed up and gave us the chills and gave us what we needed. But because they were here on this planet and taught us, loved us, at one point in time and now we can honor them with strength, courage and action.

In doing this, I believe, we balance our consumption of the supernatural with a generosity of spirit and a commitment to being the person they loved so much, a commitment to the attributes we have that made their eyes twinkle and their smile go wide.

I think that, if you try this in the new year, while we are all so set on a new world – a new culture – a new sense of community, that we can free ourselves from the dependency we have created on our capacities to understand God’s subtleties. As surely, we know not all the ways we are loved. Rather than ask, sit and wait for a sign. What if we, instead, identify the spirit and the underlying prayer in our hearts not (only) as something to know and speak and share but something to feel and fumble through and breathe into? It is my thinking that this will make us bolder and light up our spirit from the inside. We will become stronger people of light.

In Romans 8 there is a verse I love love love love love – (vs. 26) where scripture teaches to breathe. Just groan. Just sigh. Don’t think. Just heave it out. In that connection of your physical body and your breath, the spirit intercedes – the spirit prays – on your behalf.

We don’t need to figure it out, friends. We just don’t. If we get knowledge and gain understanding from that knowledge, what a blessing! But it is not our job to seek “knowing” out in a way that distracts us from the true fluidity of the spiritual nature of our souls. That inner pool where God wants you to just sit.

Rest.

–Let your waters be still.

Know the Lord is with you.

There is a lot of peace in this.

XO, erin

 

Words in Sentences

I’m a yoga teacher. This is yoga.

by ErinLeave a Comment on I’m a yoga teacher. This is yoga.

Four years ago, my marriage was falling apart. My neighbor, Laurie Solet, asked me if I wanted to go to a 6 week series on the different asana families (backbends, inversions, etc) at a nearby yoga studio.

I ended up taking the series twice in a row.

I still have my notebook from that time in my life. I was hurting. I was processing. I was excited. I was confused. I was worried. Many times, as I sat with a blanket around me in class – working to meditate – to name the thoughts and excuse them so I could concentrate and be present – I would cry. Out of one eye.

When I cry in yoga, it is out of one eye and one eye only.

I met Jee Moon during that series. She was my teacher. I remember her focusing in on me during a lab on cobra. Cobra is a little back bend you make while laying on your stomach. As she worked with me – encouraging me – urging me deeper – arching my back and dropping my head behind me – she said, “Oh my God, Erin. Can you bend your knees??”

I could.

I did.

And I saw my feet.

“Strong back” She said.

Months later, I was talking with my Grandma Lavona about her Chinese Zodiac sign: an Ox. This after making friends with a fellow yogi friend who worked at Enterprise and who introduced me to this. My Grandma’s sense on being an Ox was simple: she has “always had a strong back” – been a hard worker.

Understanding your body is insight to your heritage.

After I moved out of the shared house, I met with Cathleen Williams – owner of Urban Breath Studio – to inquire about work trade. I was re-establishing my life and we worked out an agreement that I would clean the Dogtown studio in exchange for membership.

I would go in at midnight, fold all the blankets – set the props – clean the floor with hot water and white vinegar – and sing. I would clean the toilet, refill the soap, take out the trash, wipe off the incense, refill the water – and think: this is where I am.

I made good use of those nights working trade by going to yoga 4, 5, 6 times a week. Never missing Jee’s Tuesday night yin classes. One time, after a particularly emotional practice, Jee said to me as I left the studio, “You did well”. In a way that was less, “good job” and more “I see you”. It meant so much to me and still does.

This is yoga.

Fast Forward four years and I am a graduate of 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training from Urban Breath. I have learned, in reflecting over this time, I am so grateful for my yoga teachers for taking great care that I became my own resource; that I did not grow dependent on them. This is what we, as yoga teachers, aim to teach: to listen to yourself and trust.

My commitment to teaching is to give the space for others to hear themselves. Know their ego’s voice – who wants to be safe. Know their aversion’s voice – who wants to be included. Know their attachment’s voice – who wants to control and predict. Know their ignorance – who wants to be awakened. And know their fear – who wants to be indestructible. By knowing these voices – knowing the thoughts that associate with these feelings – one can learn to self guide. Through concentration, through awareness of breath, through a physical practice – one can learn that they are spiritual, sound, and secure.

Your body is your spirit’s nest.

I am so grateful for the support I have in my life. I am grateful for Laurie Solet, who was a doorway. I remember standing in between our houses in January, so stringently wounded from pending divorce, and her giving me a massive pep talk before going back inside and how much love was in it. How much encouragement was in it. That spirit is a part of my practice and a part of my teaching.

I am thankful for my yoga soul mate who is on their way to my house right now. Who was alongside of me as I processed and awakened during a concrete and critical part of my life.

I am thankful for Jee Moon for her steadiness and ability to bring me brilliantly into a new perspective. For teaching me the diligence of skill and to respect silence.

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Cathleen Williams on left, Stacy Broussard on right

I am thankful for Cathleen Williams, for her ministry to Saint Louis by way of Urban Breath – so that people can heal and then learn to teach. Namaste.

I am thankful for Laurie Brockhaus, for her graceful physical practice that is compelling and as figurative as it is literal. For her ability to see the whole room.

I am thankful for Stacy Broussard, for her knowledge on how you can meet people where they are and offer approach to each individual so that yoga is accessible.

I am thankful for Madeleine Webb, for her spiritual depth and confidence that has reminded me over and over how a boldness of spirit is good for the world.

I am thankful for Beth Barr, for the logo for Yoga Underground, for giving me a space to teach all summer, for her encouragement and humor. You have been a sincere sister.

I am thankful for Christie Brinkman, for your constant support and pointed love. For your ability to remind me of the basics and your belief in the things I dream about.

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From left to right: Cheri Massa, Julie Johnson, Christie Brinkman

I am thankful for Cheri Massa, for your beyond intuitive maternal role in my life. For our early morning week day phone calls and for the fact that there are so many things about me that you just get.

I am thankful for Milta Little, for my Milta plant which I am moving back down into the basement tomorrow as I resume practice in my banged up studio complete with a prayer written all over my soon to be repaired floor. For your dialogue with God for me. Now.. on to CS Lewis!!

I am thankful for Julie Johnson, you are the champion of women – endless thank you’s for what you do for people trying to make a difference in our city.

I am thankful for Andie Carter, for being my refuge after Tuesday night yin and giving me a place to continue stretching in her kitchen. I miss you.

I am thankful for the Gathering United Methodist Church for giving me a place to begin my ministry.

I am thankful for my students. For trusting me with your time and allowing me the opportunity to learn from our interactions. I look forward to many many more classes. If you aren’t already a part of Yoga Underground’s Class Newsletter – sign up here.

There are many more people who love me and encourage me in endless ways. Those named here have been a big part of my yoga journey. And I want to honor that particularly as my heart is so very full right now.

As I wrap this up, I just have to acknowledge that one of the biggest learnings I have from recent months is that quantity does not matter. I am not out for full classes and a full bank account. I am out to connect with you, or your friend, or your mother, or your cousin. I am out to facilitate space for you and your mind, heart, and soul. I am out to give you a way to see your strength. I am out to give you a consistent mirror for you to see your growth.

I’m a yoga teacher.

This is yoga.

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Urban Breath Graduates 2016 :) All done!!

 

 

Words in Sentences

Faith in Faithfulness

by ErinLeave a Comment on Faith in Faithfulness

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I think it is easiest to look at a situation we are in, identify what we want to see in our life, come up with a couple of options for how it will play out / what that chapter could look like, and then figure the future will hold one or the other.

This makes sense.

We have seen a lot of lives take on new chapters. In other people’s lives. In our own lives. In movies. We pretty much know the ways typical story lines end. People with cancer get chemo and either get skinny and lose hair and survive or they don’t. People in bad marriages either get counseling and experience change or they get divorced. Rebellious teenagers get a come to Jesus wake up call or grow out of it. People waiting for a baby either have fertility treatment and end up twins or adopt (or maybe even adopt and then get pregnant.) These are examples of big things that happen in life for which we predict the next chapters.

Then there are small ones: people longing to live without clutter either never organize that closet and take that on as a part of their identity or spend a Saturday and finally purge. People wanting to change their body either lose weight and tone up with some kind of cross fit hi-jinx or maybe find the right pair of yoga pants and jeans and smile and accept their body.

The bottom line: I think we should want our chapters to change. We should want growth. Even if we are in a good place, we should be excited for possibility – newness – connection. It is important to know that next chapter is out there. Especially so if you are in a current season you would like to see change.

I love the idea of being really honest about what that next version of your self looks like in order to be aware of ways to get there.

It’s empowering, really.

But then what happens when you’ve drummed up that vision and then you’re stuck in the middle of September: you’re super tired, you haven’t woken up early like you have planned, the paper you subscribed to has been stacking up, you paid your car payment twice, your face doesn’t look right and you throw away the brussels sprouts you were really really excited to broil when you ran into them on a beautifully calm evening at a farmer’s market? You feel wasteful, unintentional, and a little bit confused.

What happens when you are on a very odd tangent of what you want your life to look like?

When you know the outcome you want but seriously have a hard time aligning with it?

What do you even pray for? Why do you pray? How do you pray? You’re close. You can sense change but it isn’t there yet so HOW DO YOU GET THE PAGE TO TURN?

In preparation for a presentation to my yoga peers towards my certification (I graduate in NOVEMBER), I pulled out a bag I keep close to me: in it are all of the prayers from the past three women’s retreats I have attended. I have made it a part of my experience to pull them down at the end of the retreat and pray over them, pack them up, and visit with them (in reverence) every once in awhile.

The weight we carry in our lives never ceases to amaze me. The healing we crave, the baby we want to meet, the iteration of ourselves we want to operate from, the clarity – the peace – the love, the relationship, the satisfaction, the confidence. These are real things.

The human experience is legit heavy.

But – I think I stumbled into a lightness. Seriously – I think I had a breakthrough coming into October.

If there is one thing I know in my 35 years, it is that there is *always* something revealed to us. There is. I am going to avoid a whole tangent on suffering right now. Because I want to focus you in on considering the difference here between these two statements:

“Staying determined on what you want from God for your next chapter”

“Being faithful to God’s faithfulness”

Truly, they should *feel* different from each other when you read them. Read them again. On the next inhalation, read them again.

These are wildly different statements though they are both rooted in the same perspective: you are one place, yet you see something different for your life.

The other night, I sat with a string of mala beads and just rolled through them. My meditation: “I am faithful to God’s faithfulness”.

Meaning? I will serve, I will pray, I will share with others, I will love, I will work hard, I will honor my parents, I will do my dishes, I will be accountable, I will eat well, I will give, I will get rest, I will read scripture, I will study spiritual text, I will listen, I will learn *all while knowing* that next version of my life (whatever it may be) will occur.

Growth does happen.

Change happens.

God does reveal.

Like the morning sun, God is faithful. (Hosea 6:3)

This switch in thinking makes our relationship with God less like the one we have with a restaurant server at a restaurant with no menu and more like the one we have with the waves on an ocean shore where you can sit, allow what comes, play, dig, relax, refresh, walk, move, pick up, and let the elements change you.

I know it’s abstract. But I feel, when I look at the prayers of these women – when I look at my journal from September – that I can’t help but see some low hanging peace fruit available to us if we commit to being faithful to God’s faithfulness without ordering up our future.

And for those of you thinking as you read this that it is total horse shit because you are in the middle of a rough hand dealt or because you had a rough hand dealt and it has not changed. I just challenge you to say in your prayers tonight, “God, I am faithful to your faithfulness.” And let it rest. Take out all the other variables.

Focus on the rising sun.

May we have ears to hear and eyes to see. XO, erin