Author: Erin

I write - all the time - mostly random thoughts on that which makes me happy every day of my life.
Words in Sentences

Out from a Whole Layer of Saran Wrap

by ErinLeave a Comment on Out from a Whole Layer of Saran Wrap

When I decided to retire from corporate life back last fall 2020, there were so many obvious factors (COVID, New Marriage, Blended Family, 5 Kids, Virtual School, etc) that I didn’t ever really get pushed on the personal.

For a couple of mentors and close colleagues, I would offer “I need to peel the saran wrap off of my brain” and they got it, cheered me on.

But what did that really mean? Why did people seem to understand exactly what I meant?

It’s August 2021 and I have been out of the practice of being somewhere at or by a certain time and to others’ expectations for just over half of a year. Even my once weekly yoga class at a local studio is out of the mix as I’m off the regular schedule for a bit. It’s in this sea of clarity (nobody needing me outside of those destined to me (my husband, my kids)) that I can really see my own ideas versus my old ideas.

I do not think it is entirely fair to say that a particular group, organization, school, community traps you or makes you think a certain way if the dynamic started with a personal choice to be a part of it.

I do think it is fair to say that a group, org, school, or community brings to your life expectations. Your personal choice to be a part of and adhere to those expectations seals a little bit of your deal… drives your actions and interactions… and ultimately does or does not align with your values.

One of the hardest parts of my decision to retire from corporate life was that I value teamwork, hard work, being a part of something and helping others. But these things didn’t plug and play at home. I felt this distinct pull to value my time differently, understand my skills differently, see myself interact with life differently.

Who was I without my role at Enterprise? What do I do that is impressive outside of what I was known for? How will my creativity play out?

Would my migraines go away? How would I take better care of myself?

What would my brain be thinking about in the background of my life if I wasn’t trying to understand other people’s motivations… why they did that thing… why they didn’t… can you believe this… but I thought we had decided… there is a meeting tomorrow… I need to talk to… Remind me…

Respond to email… I’ll get up early to…

At first that mental train filled with ingredients needed for Thanksgiving dinner, herb gardens and soy sauce… sprinkled in there was teenage mental health… an obsession with Scottish accents and how to make bread… use salt… use acid… use heat.

In the spring? It became puppy training, essentials to raising baby dogs, rain-scaping… and now?

When not managing details at home or relaxing with husband or working on book, the engine is less thinking and more entertained by:

<drumroll>

My purpose.

Yes, my purpose.

My who I am when I feel that lighting up a room feeling. My confidence in specific talents I recognize from my childhood self.

The purpose that when lived out comes with a beloved intrinsic quality of freedom in everything I do.

The purpose that paints… creativity that shows up in the kitchen… on my walls…

via Apple Pen and Sharpies…

I get an occasional migraine still from the sun. And I take better care of myself via walking every day. Questions are answered. I have grown.

The tickle of expectation and butterflies of performance reviews, now a speck back behind me when before they towered ahead of me like a mountain range. More like driving east out of Denver, less like driving west.

The past couple of days / weeks, I have resurrected my LinkedIn. I like the freedom I feel to share my perspectives and random posts without my role as somebody’s subordinate, as somebody’s resource, as a company’s representation.

I get the tickle and butterflies but get to completely ignore it, as my own CEO.

I have always tried for this level of authenticity in the past but am just now getting to where the beauty of TRUST and the smile of KNOWING that even if a person you respect calls you up and says “you have to think about how this looks to other people” or “you should keep yourself squeaky clean” or “I just wouldn’t do that knowing that some day I might want to…” that you would still love what you wrote, how you wrote it because it’s YOU.

It’s your intention.

The underlying motivation of purpose that drives your actions and interactions is yours.

Nobody else’s. Just yours…

Words in Sentences

In a Pear Tree

by Erin1 Comment on In a Pear Tree

When I stop and let myself think about it, life is going really fast. A lot has changed, I have learned a lot and there is plenty to do – every day – from dawn to dusk.

I stopped my posting streak to contemplate the art of the quick publish blog vs. the complete thought. I wondered if a happy stream of consciousness where the writing stopped when the scene changed could be considered “complete” and I felt the angst of having to pull for meaning in order to sum things up, tie them together and otherwise leave things resolved.

In a lot of ways, not only is that impossible to do when you are in such a wide turn of change such as the one in which I find myself but it also brings the personal challenge I have always had writing on the internet: how to skillfully tell a story without revealing too much, how to be vulnerable and private, how to offer insight but not seem too much a wanderer / wonderer.

Life is happening so fast. And yet despite its rapid growth, there are crazy delays and drags which cause me to question if I am trying as hard as I should be, putting in the time I need to… am I meeting my goals?

In my 4 decades of living, times I start to analyze, strategize and organize to reach a particular aim, seem to create this little pocket of opportunity for uncertainty and friction. My controlling nature creeps in these pockets. Right behind it, is my emotional nature that sobs and cries; never really fully satisfied with herself and so she over compensates… over protects… over thinks….

AND TALK ABOUT A DRAG AND A TIME KILLER.

And I can’t do that anymore. I am retired from that type of achiever type of thinking.

My solution this time around is to just keep going, keep living. Keep doing what feels right. Keep trusting myself. Keep trusting my intentions.

Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.

To myself. To others. To the dogs.

And just like that, the crazy delays and drags that come up are seen just as they are: as realities against expectations. They morph from obstacles into opportunities to be a little more Buddha like in dropping ideals. When all the ways I think things should go are gone, things are simply going – available for attention and progress… and I find myself writing a flow out in a blog post. Confident to publish and get up. Sure I won’t re read and save draft.

When I sat down to explore this morning in writing, I was prompted for a Title by WordPress and after a couple of ideas, I heard, “and a partridge in a pear tree”.

Why the redundant lyric came to mind is beyond me but I recognize the comfort of always coming back to it, where it all begins, with one.

One life. One heart. One mind. One step. One day. One year. One moment at a time.

And so with all the dogs and cats, the publishing project and the marriage, the houses and the dishes, the teen girls and the boy. With all the laundry and the cleaning, the networking and the living, the gardening and the coffee and the music.

With all the all the all the all, there is just one of me. A partridge.

Words in Sentences

here we are, day four. an official record.

by ErinLeave a Comment on here we are, day four. an official record.

I am writing outside this morning – a Tuesday, on the week of a full moon. (in Aquarius, for those interested).

The pot of geraniums to my left reminds me to focus and the puppies are inside, if they freak out – I will hear them. If they are wrestling, I will not. They have received an hour of household training (stay on your blanket, good manners in the kitchen kind of thing while also remotely attempting to stay in one place when I am at the dining table… “blanket sovereignty” during rest time…. Jesus take the wheels… paws… whatever)

Since Sunday, I have spent so much time on my personal blogosphere. Going through old Facebook profile pics, feeling flashbacks to MySpace and designing my websites in my official (dare I say brand) personal color swabs that will be the foundation for all of my upcoming creative releases. Spotify album covering Sam Cooke and Milky Chance? Probably in “Ojai Sand”. Book of lullabye lyrics full of sketches of my best friends and their children or mothers? Probably in my “other worldly / galaxy lilac”.

Apparently Jeff Bezos is flying to outer space and I am sitting here establishing my inner world.

My husband and I were talking about Bezos this morning (a persona who otherwise gets little airtime in our household) and there was something said by one of us to the effect of “if you are that rich, you should be making the world a better place for others.”

It threw me back to a conversation I had yesterday with a good friend of mine out of North Carolina, USA. I shared with her a looming idea I have for a professional essay (read: taking yourself seriously attempt at the New Yorker or other in flight read…) and her response was “but don’t you think that is true because of privilege?”

(PS I came inside and the dogs, in fact, are wrestling)

The answer to her question was a yes and no, both / and situation. And I unpacked it – probably way more than I knew was coming – on the phone.

I bring this up because, then this morning I was walking through my gardens which are both less than and more and I grew really curious about the possibilities in my life, right now, with my resources. Financial? Sure, to a certain extent. But more so fueled by the creativity, craftsmanship and willingness present in my household; namely coming from the marriage I am in with my husband.

It’s with this that I had what felt like a genius, frivolous, idea for a modification to the house which – to a certain extent – screams “don’t you have something better to do with that money” (or time or resources, you get the point.) but that I felt, if I figured out how to do this seemingly frivolous modification, I would pave the way for essentials to become more readily available to those starting off.

Kind of – I think in some way – like Jeff Bezos?

Anyway. I made a little more coffee this morning when I got back from the walk I took the dogs on. Got handfuls of comments and compliments on “the puppies” and I always feel really excited about that, it’s empowering. It has that same charge that happens when I tell a woman totally working it coming out of Target that she is gorgeous or that I absolutely love her style. That “oh my gosh, girl – THANK YOU – that honestly made my day.” Just, for me at the park, a little less Naomi Campbell and more Brianna Madia.

I have a handful of things to do with my creative morning: bring up some stationary supplies, capture a devotion from class last night and figure out whether I want to do a devotional for this upcoming Full Moon. All of this has a center of gravity that boils down to THE email I send to my email list to start this whole thing moving. I have been sitting on it for months – an invitation to stay subscribed and for what reason or to unsubscribe. Insight into which of those early supporters has missed local community, fellowship yoga and experimental / experiential prayer and service. In other words, I am about to find out who is still a part of Yoga Underground – a network of believers and doers of good who sometimes like to stretch, have tea or take a walk / hike / see something beautiful together.

<pours a little liquor out for my Meet Up Group, deleted a few years back>

I just heard a dog gag which tells me, though the wrestling is over, the party ain’t so I need to go.

Thanks for being here and I’ll make plans to talk to you tomorrow. :) still in pencil, but plans nonetheless.