Last week, I brought a couple of canvas panels I had once used to create a “crunchy” yogi house vibe up to the studio where Lucy (16 y/o) started putting them together to create some shade in the main studio.
Over the course of her figuring out her machine and getting a few put together, there was some how a mix around and she stitched two in such a way that the fray was out the outside and the vision I was headed towards was lost unless they were redone. I imagine she felt kind of bad, but she was also fatigued from figuring out the bobbin and it was really OK. I just needed to figure out what to do… “restorative yoga starts July 12th”.
I can already tell this blog has a lot to say. Get a coffee or get comfy and just take a deep breath in.
<inhale>
So it’s a week later and in between that MJ infused sewing session and now, the following things have happened:
- I walked into my backyard one morning and the exact corner where my fence & house met was lit up with sun (normally total shade) and – upon examination – I saw the sun was perfectly positioned between the branches of two trees, casting a perfect light from a northeast corner of the sky into this corner. Naturally, I made shapes with my shadow and spent some time considering the figure in front of me. What were the odds? This was such a rare alignment. I stayed till the sun moved and my shadow wasn’t as prominent anymore. On to take care of the things, the dogs, the business, the kids, and – my favorite – my husband. In the land of the living, one’s shadow tends not to consume the life.
- I went to the fabric store with my mom & picked out some chiffon & some utility white nonsense. We spent the afternoon configuring some panels together so that, by the time my class rolled around, I had a distinctly different tone in the studio as a marker of my first restorative practice taught in the new space.
- I taught aforementioned first restorative practice in the new space. The two that stayed for the deep restorative “got there” (saw colors, felt the weighted blanket, experienced a sense of peace / relief in the physical body) and the three that came for the hour of breath / awareness of sensation and opening poses seemed to smile and enjoy the practice. All in all – it worked.
The present moment:
I am at OM and can hear Jane teaching in the main studio. I am in the front room with the next iteration of the curtain. It’s on the floor to my left and I have about one drink of coffee left and 45 minutes before its time to sage & prep the studio for a private party of friends, ready to experience the magic of a solid hour on their mat and in their bodies.
I am in my overalls with some sewing pins & a pen tucked in the pocket. My hair is in what I am hoping appears to be an artsy bun. 🤞🏼
I am deciding to write in this moment because it is not lost on me that the “mistake” Lucy made back in sewing the panels ended up being the starting point of what I am now incredibly excited about. I took the chiffon vibe that “made do” down and hung up the panels Lucy put together using the exposed fray as the crease over the curtain rod across the windows of the studio. It looked so cool. And reminded me of a studio in Santa Monica where I experienced healing. (The picture of their window & curtain is on my desk, if you ever want to see it when you’re here.)
With new inspiration that perhaps the curtain can showcase the creative spirit of the studio, I grabbed some fabric a friend gave me from her trip to Mozambique and began to pin it up the side, adding a little bit of practical width but also a sense of art: the story of women, life milestones and the woven nature of friendship and how friends help you see yourself.
Maybe sad and angry people simply need a good friend…
I think about the people in my life that are grieving, that are hurt, that are lost and that are lonely and my heart kind of aches in this moment.
What will they find on the internet that claims to help them heal?
What will they buy that the world says will make them feel better?
<Lord, have mercy.>
What I love right now is that any shame Lucy might have felt in her mistake can be lifted and resolved, as it was that mistake that reminded me there are no mistakes, only ways in to the next thing – the higher awareness – the light.
I love that in acting on the inspiration, I was reminded of a time I was healed physically by time on my mat, breathing into my body, allowing hydration to settle in and a yoga teacher to guide me through a sequence she thought of from her practice.
This. is. art. This is the constant unfolding.
This is the long game for healing…
Hang with me, check this out –
The panels that Lucy put together were curtains that were once hanging in my house. I had pinned them on the rods and it was good enough for a single working mom who needed a little privacy until a day a gal I went to high school with came over. I wanted help tying my eclectic house together, she was an interior designer whose taste I have always loved; I thought it was a good idea.
As I saw her see my pinned up curtains, I felt an old familiar wave of “being an idiot” wash over me. I hung my head in my own lack of something.
Even now, that flashback flashes me back to my high school years where feeling stupid, feeling left out, wanting to fit in caused me to shapeshift, risk friendship for friendship and ultimately take me into the most isolated years of my life when I am sure the prayers of my parents were from places of worry, wanting me to remember my gifts and my beauty, and to ultimately believe in myself once again.
(They probably also prayed for good friends.)
The shadow is a funny thing:
It comes about in the light, like my shadow in that perfect timing in the sun.
It moves as the light moves, eventually going away (but never gone).
It requires / creates / is shade, which we desire in our studios & homes, bedrooms and porches whether through artsy or IKEA curtains.
Though it requires light to see, the shadow can be felt in the dark.
Yet a shadow is not by definition a shadow if it is felt alone. It must also be seen, thanks to light.
Basically: the interaction with the shadow is always up to you, the meaning you allow is always up to you, your balancing is always up to you.
Will I love the artsy couture curtain once it is hung? Maybe.
Might I be headed to “get something normal” upon seeing my 7th grade quality sewing job hanging on the rod? Also maybe.
But the only right answer? Is the one that comes from this rooted sense of self trust. Trust that interacting with the shadow shows the way through one’s mistakes and ultimately brings in the spirit of the light. ❤️
Frozen Spaghetti 