realistic expectations @ on a little ledge by my ferns – stl.

oh hey – long time, no talk. or – no write. what’s up?

to those i know in real life, in person: here we go. a life update of intricate sorts.

to those i read and who read me online: a deeper thought, a perspective.

since the last time i recall writing, the seasons have changed and two puppies have joined the mix. my oldest turns 16 on wednesday, the middle blended daughter turns 12 on tuesday – amazon delivered a couple of *i really want to tell you* today and the sun is shining. it has been a wet couple of days but, today? it’s glorious. sunny, cool in shade, warm in patches of daylight.

my heart has been leaping all morning at our dream and our vision. two adult dogs walking on taylor dock in bellingham, when we finally get to a milky chance concert, the next time we buy fresh flowers at pike’s, the sound of seattle… the coffee.. my mountain view.

my greenhouse. my rosebush. my rosemary. the deer. the neighborhood. the inspiring corner kitchen garden and the desire to be family friends with the people with banana trees and tire swings.

birch bay. foggy mornings. (did i say coffee) and the kayaks. enter back the dogs. the moss. the green. the ferns.

which brings me back to where i started (in my title) – by my ferns here in stl.

the ferns are getting there. (the puppies have not been especially helpful in this regard, but we are learning and i am praying my hostas’ safety and well being each day. MAN they like to rumble and wrestle in them leaves!) the greens of the green thanks to the rain are like fairy dust in this midwest spring. pnw vibes all the way and it’s like being plugged into a little electric socket.

on the homefront: it is a switch day which means i wind down my me time and personal growth and match it up to the needs of the collective, the behavior i want to see more of from my daughters and the way the house needs to run for my sanity and everybody’s health and comforts to be somewhat met.

regarding the publishing project: it has hatched and is a duckling sitting in a sweet little egg. designers are working on statement of work. village books and i are in a pending contract. and my list of people to send invitations to this summer is coming up daily along with the right hue of yarrow golden yellow for the stationary. sigh. my creative baby infant child. my first published work. an apple off my apple tree. <pulse>

oh, how much more i could write right now.

ideas for the future. on my love for my children.

my gratitude. my husband.

// a song we wrote. //

what i have learned in the past two days, what i really truly feel deeply now and my active intentions for the next twenty four hours…

for the next week.

the house.

The summer.

It all.

But, realistically? It is all so actively underway that it simply can only be expected that we all just live it out and report in on the big stuff.

Love live and in living color.

Ok. Peppers. Gear change. Till next time…. erin

Why Five? @ Basement Study, doing the thing

Yesterday, I wrote a little post about my morning and in it I referenced Paul writing to the Corinthians and suggesting this idea of “wonder if Paul knew I would be reading it on the first of March…” When I wrote it, it felt a little trite. Like something I would have written in a grade school autobiography.

(PS – I thought that because it is quite literally something I would have written in a grade school auto biography)

But I kept it in the post bc not only am I doing VERY little editing but it felt right. And, today, I am further convinced of something as to why it feels write. I mean right.

So, I did the same thing as yesterday – “got to work by 9” (this time with a little spare time to make an egg and toast for me and the man vs. yesterday’s plate of fruit. go me.) I did my brain dump, made my daily goals and lit some incense, thanked the divine for what felt like a massive spike of patience and kindness in my heart (I did not forcefully put a single dish in the dishwasher! Which is my petty little outlet for fatigue and self pity!) and anyway I did talk out loud to the supernatural world about some things on my heart.

Though I didn’t forcefully put a dish in the dishwasher, I was *really* tired and I got quiet. I would like to ultimately level up to like singing maybe? That might be buddha level, but we shall see. I just want to be softer and more gradual. Feels like, smells like, more patience.

Anyway. I sat with my whiteboard and blue marker and wrote the words that came to me. “fill my cup”… “patience”… “warmth sun forgiveness”… “Titus” (weird, I thought) and then the numbers 3… 6… 9… 15… 12… 13… 14… 67 (quite a jump) and then F I V E with an underline.

So why five like that. (and just like that… the Google timer for 5 minutes – the time I took to write thus far – goes off.)

Surely that was not why. I am mid thought… Plus I was feeling rushed. Not really an enjoyable writing experience although I do think I have done quite nice work on my punctuation and grammar.

<sighs>

<slows down>

I traced “fill my cup” to scripture and found this passage where Jesus basically says to a bunch of guys “you stupid idiots, you gotta wash the inside of your cup first. obvi.> The idiots had washed the outside of their cup but, missed the “greed and self indulgence” that was crusted nasty on the inside of the cup.

Convicted.

So I went on… traced “patience” to scripture.. Ah, good old Proverbs. “listen to advice and accept instruction and you will gain wisdom” + “from wisdom comes patience” = listen to advice, Erin and you’ll gain patience.

If the advice I got was to clean the inside of my cup and the promise was that in doing so, I’ll receive more patience, then how do I clean the inside of my cup?

“Warmth… Sun… Forgiveness”

I sat with it. I searched my photos for “sun” and got these wonderful pictures:

the sun beyond dolphins at Bonita Beach, FL…. the sun behind Lucy playing cornhole in Lake Tahoe… the sun breaking through trees on a Christmas Day hike, on a hike in Oregon, on a walk in my neighborhood… then there was the sun up between buildings in Washington DC, out in the country where I was walking my dog (RIP Ranger) off leash, ohhhhhh the sun aligned perfectly on Cannon Beach, above mountains in North Carolina… and then, my favorite sun of all – in the gardens in Ojai (pictured below).

I sat in my basement study feeling the warmth of the sun in a space with no window. I remembered that scripture about the faithfulness of the rising sun. You can bet it will happen… time and time again. And with that, came a wash of forgiveness that comes when you are acutely self aware of where you want just a little knick of support; a little tweak in the mental game.

And though I still don’t know “why five”, I do feel certain that I am headed into the rest of my day with my head screwed on mostly straight.

Going back to Ojai will be for sure one of the first three post pandemic trips I make. I absolutely cannot wait to show David.

“The Most Excellent Way” @ Monday Devotion time in my study

One of the best most helpful things a spiritual coach told me in all of this life upheaval is that as a woman designed in Gods image, when I create – I must remember I am reflecting an aspect of the divine. To therefore treat the time as worship and be humble in my pursuits, gentle to receive direction and open minded in what creative project the Lord may be asking of me that may or may not align with my own plans.

After returning home from high school drop offs, I made a quick brain dump of what I would like to do to, what I need to do, etc.

There is cohesion in my various threads of thought – so that is hopeful. There is also a serious need to sit and do the things relative to each thread of thought and this consistency to sit is the common denominator. So get this –

Today, instead of thinking “I only have two hours to get all this work done”, I thought to myself “I only have a 2 hour work day – isn’t that lucky?”

I showered and got dressed and made the man a plate of fruit and peanut butter. I considered the track from our room to my study “my commute” and didn’t make the bed… bc there might be traffic. And I wanted to be in the office on time.

“Oh so now she starts caring”, all former bosses and coworkers who read this blog collectively groan. Again… time and attendance, not my speciality.

I’m in my devotional / reflective time and in lighting incense and sitting with my mind space, I got the word “love” on which to ponder and ground myself for the day.

Naturally, I went to 1 Corinthians 13 (a classic) but found myself smiling at the unexpected refreshing-ness of the lead in to 13, “…and now I will show you the most excellent way”.

The way of love. A way that only is when you are actively spirit led. However that is for you and your intuitive self and body – however that is for your conscious breath and attendance to yourself.

The way of love is the most excellent way. Just love the simplicity for today.

Now to work, I don’t want to catch myself on my phone.

PS David brought me home a strip of white board on Saturday 😍