The reason I love my brother is obvious – he’s my brother, he’s “Jon” and is pretty much one of the easiest people to get along with on the face of the planet. He is non-threatening, lovingly aloof, and funny (if not “hilarious”). His talents go on for days and he is – in general – congenially photogenic, warm hearted, and able to make a box go outside for some free time creative.
Post-modern and traditional, my brother is a family man. The odd man’s hipster tee (he’s unique in a sea of late twenty some things) and jewelry go with his laid back flow. His style is owned through his uninterested moments where you pray, please God, help me to be cool enough to hang out with him.
But that’s all what everybody knows about him. What I love about my brother that is not as obvious is the way he inspires me to be: raw, regular, and as if to possess some certain amount of magic.
What Jon lacks in discipline may keep him from mastery but his zeal and his flavor keep him creating every day of his life. When he is not producing something completely awe-inspiring or tasty (Jon traditionally gives his craft as presents: his music on cd, his home roasted coffee beans, his photography) he is processing somewhere deep and pretty and wide.
Lately I have been in situations that have made my newness to the topic matter obvious, my past flippant behavior regrettable, and my love for the topic clearer. In such situations, I have made friends and I have made mistakes. But regardless of how much I pray through them, breathe before the next interaction and heal after each “not good enough” moment, I continue to experience feelings of defeat. Regardless of my confidence, I face feeling like I should not be there. And there enters the counter-corresponding “hoping I am not cautiously dismissed”.
My belief is I have enough of a dinstinct spirit for people to recognize my contribution but lack just enough in precision to seem affordable to lose. I’m the surprise sprinter, the miraculous first place long jump, and the comedian in the corner. Yet I tend to be difficult in practice as I have mixed opinions on just how good I want to be. This belief about myself freaks me out and causes me to cling to relationships I believe recognize the unsinkable part of my ship.
Even when these relationships don’t honor the uniqueness of the spirit I mentioned a few lines back.
Because of his rejection of the perceived ideal, I see my brother as undefeatable. My brother is sometimes timid, but always there. And he always belongs – with the degree to which he belongs even stronger in the case he is dismissed. Whereas he drifts somewhere interesting away, I stay longer. Where I compile, strategize and communicate, he distinctly does not act or whine or persist.
Maybe it’s not necessarily trust that makes this for him, but it is certainly a degree of rootedness.
And I honor this aspect of him very much. As I move forward in my artistry, I’ll be applying this particular element of self-acceptance I have learned from my brother: do it. It will be amazing.