I have one million and one things to do (including cleaning up a sequin tornado that ripped through my apartment yesterday) and here I am writing something out.. It’s on my heart. I can feel it.
Last night I made this master plan to how I was going to manage the oompa out of each minute in order to rest peacefully ready for Sunday’s events. Yet, I slept in two hours and the plan went out the window.
As I started the revision of the master plan, I noticed the one piece I wrote first: “coffee – Bible – pray” for 8a. And eeeeeeven though the coffee finished up in the pot at 9 (missing the original start time), my inclination to head out to Walgreens and run other quick errands subsided to the fact that I told myself yesterday I needed to sit still and wake up with God.
** Plus – I mean – it just wouldn’t make sense to go to Walgreens now when I have to go back later to pick up pictures. :)
So there I was, praying on an Ephesians verse and perusing a folder on my computer titled “Trip to Love” from my 3500 mile road trip with Ellen and Lucy, picking out pictures to print. And in the sub folder of that folder titled “Bon Voyage, Amarillo, ABQ”, I stumbled on a gorgeous pic of my “9-year-old woman” – post lavender tub soak – with a vintage towel passed down from my Grandmother wrapped around her head and in an oversized white bathrobe against her tan skin.
My heart pumped so hard in seeing this picture as a gift for my mom that nothing else seemed to matter. I realized how much bullshit my mind had made Christmas and the inspiration I felt started to calm me…
The towel was her mother’s, the girl in it is her daughter’s and this as a bookmark for her Bible with a note of the strongest appreciation of her love that I can possibly put into words is so much better than running to Chesterfield for brunch gift certificates. Yes – We’ll go there and we’ll eat and we’ll gush about the picture of Ellen that made us both cry.
My plan doesn’t really matter to me anymore. And really – this doesn’t surprise me. As type-A as I am, I haven’t made a to do list for my personal life in so long as this year brought me to a new level of living so intentionally that I always had what I needed. And living faithfully in this manner, resisting panic and marketing prompts, consistently allowed me the awareness of the one next step needed to move forward.
Yet, it was four days before Christmas Eve and the pressure of “Christmas” actually put my brain in a mode of operation that I forgot that I am already ready simply because I am alive. I have what I need. And I know my one next step to enhance, express, and evolve.
I pray that all of you trust your hearts this Christmas. If there is a moment you would rather stay home immersed in sequins than run out and do one more thing, stay home. If on Christmas Eve, sitting at home by your tree sounds better than passing time with too much wine – care for yourself.
The way the world works is tricky business. And we as people have gotten really good at thinking and planning and making really super huge lists. We think we are doing the right thing because we are meeting (or at least trying to meet) expectations. But where did they come from? Whose expectations are they, really?
I know this about myself: whenever I feel overwhelmed, it’s usually because I am trying to do something right by way of some other definition. I am praying through a smile and semi-teary eyes right now because I have a way out of this now. It’s time-tested, even. Simply put – the way out is to listen to myself – to my heart – and do that thing that seems counter-productive. The next step from this unconventional place always makes more sense than the first one I thought of because “I had to”:
Each time I do this, I end up aligned more with my heart and therefore able to be a more loving, peaceful presence in this heart-sick world.
Let the spirit guide you in these final days to Christmas. namaste xo